Scripts used by people with avoidant attachment styles
Avoidant attachment is one of the relational styles. Relational styles underlie the process of thinking about one another in interpersonal relations such friendships, romantic relationships, professional settings and family dynamics. The attachment styles with which people navigate relationships further evolve into the type of bonds they form through the scripts that live through. Scripts are patterns of behavior. Avoidant attachment is characteristic of difficulty building intimacy and trust with other people. Individuals living with avoidant attachment style (IWAA) make up about 25% of the population. IWAA vary in personality traits, backgrounds and characteristics. IWAA are worthy people and can have a range of excellent traits, they have some peculiarities when dealing with close relationships. In this post I will go over some scripts that IWAA deploy from themselves in intimate relationships.
Generally people with this attachment style prefer to organize their lives in a way that would offer a minimal opportunity for activation if their attachment system. They do so by maintaining superficial friends and romantic partners avoiding deep intimate relationships and sometimes even choosing jobs where they work independently. On the surface, the IWAA reasons with themselves that they love independence and create various theories to reason why close relationships are not for them, however what they are really trying to avoid is deep connection because they subconsciously associate it with conflict, stress, responsibility, judgment and personal disclosure. IWAA feel more comfortable and secure living in their bubble where they have a perceived sense of control over what they disclose about themselves to other people, how much responsibility to take for other people and ask from them in return, they avoid conflict and stressful situations. The IWAA deeply fear that if their attachment style becomes activated — chaos will ensure, they know this due to stored memories from negative relational experiences that have led to pain. They are correct, when the attachment system of an IWAA becomes activated, their brain is wired in a way that will continually protect them from threats associated with closeness. IWAA will use heuristics and distorted ways of thinking and interpreting situations in order to protect themselves. I will list a few scripts that IWAA deploy when their attachment style becomes activated.
Looking for external threats — scrutiny of other people — appearance, behavior and character.
IWAA can sometimes scrutinize the appearance of other people. One of the quickest ways to sabotage a potential romantic interest in another person is to focus on their negatives, for example — to pay close attention to how someone’s ears stick out, or notice a crooked tooth. Even minor flaws in otherwise attractive people can allow for the IWAA to maintain distance as they affirm to themselves that this potential romantic partner is not for them. This can occur in a work setting as well, for example noticing the managers “beady eyes” and feeling a sense of mistrust towards the hierarchy. This is one of the tools that the IWAA sometimes use to scrutinize others before the possibility that the other person will scrutinize them.
Behavioral scrutiny is also characteristic. Paying attention to the way someone eats, or the sound of someone’s laugh for example. Scrutiny is an effective strategy from allowing oneself to become closer or trust another person, this always leaves room for the IWAA to justify to themselves why the relationship would “not have been so great anyways” in the case it does not work out.
Character scrutiny — the IWAA can use heuristics to build theories around possible flaws in an individual’s character as it pertains to their relationship. For example feeling confident that the person at hand is a “cheat” because their friend cheated and therefore they must be like their friend, or feeling confident that this particular woman is a “gold digger” because she is beautiful and all beautiful women are. These are shortcuts meant to prove to self that other people are not worth trusting. Sometimes these shortcuts can be quick and general as above and sometimes they can become highly elaborate and deeply theorized. The IWAA can come up with a variety of scenarios and explanations to prove to themselves that the other has a deep character flaw, and is therefore dangerous to be close with.
IWAA scan for external threats because they want to avoid the possibility of being disappointed by other people because previously the disappointment caused them pain. This is a protective mechanism that helps to prevent the activation of their attachment system.
Internal threats — I’m not good enough — the saboteur — triangulation
Sometimes people with IWAA do not focus on the negatives of other people, but focus on the negatives within themselves or current life circumstances. Deep inside, they feel that if people really knew them, they wouldn’t like them. This process usually takes place once an intimate relationship is initiated.
IWAA can act out in ways to prove to themselves that they really are not liked or not good enough by playing a script that convinces other people of this. The ego does not like to be wrong, therefore it will carry out attacks in the mission of proving to itself that it is correct. The IWAA can try to convince their partners why they are not good enough for them through a variety of intricate actions.
Direct verbal argument/thought –”I am not good enough” — “If you love me there might be something wrong with you”. The IWAA can directly convince their partner that the partner would be happier with someone else. Attempt to prove to their partner that the reason for their unhappiness/lack of success is the person with the IWAA. The IWAA has various theories made in their mind for reasons that their partner is with them and not with someone else, the IWAA can offer this reasoning to their partner. This is a strategy deployed by the ego that is trying to confirm that they are correct about not being in close relationships. The ego will argue to create various scenarios and theories for reasons to disengage the relationship. This strategy can be successful and cause the relationship to break, leaving the IWAA confirming that they were “right all along.”
Direct verbal argument/thought — “You don’t fit into my life”. This is a form of future tripping. The ego of the IWAA will create scenarios of how the potential partner will be made miserable with their life of the IWAA. Examples are — “I travel too much, I am always too busy — surely you will not tolerate my life style. My lifestyle is not made for relationships because what people expect from relationships is not what I can give them”. On a subconscious level, the IWAA may even chose this type of life in order to always be on the move, detached, to not fall into the trap of possibly staying in one place of the fear of deep attachment to people.
Triangulation –this is when a third party gets introduced by the IWAA in order to sabotage or diminish the relationship, this happens subconsciously. Some partners live within the triangulation for years, and for others this method sabotages relationships.
Triangulation — ”introduce third parties to seduce the partner”, this one takes some creativity. For example, purposely putting their partner in a situation where the partner can be seduced — such as bringing people that are capable of doing so, or putting the partner in a situation where there are many attractive singles. This usually happens subconsciously, nevertheless, if you pay close attention or turn on awareness, you can decipher these patterns of behavior. Sometimes, open relationships and/or group intimacy is a manifestation of this. (Not all open relationships occur because of this, there are many securely attached people in open relationships). This is the ego trying to prove to self — “I told you so, s/he wants someone else”.
Triangulation — finding objects of affection to reduce the importance of a partner. Being extremely attached to a pet for example, and telling the partner consistently how much the pet means to them. Going on long winded discussions about the love of the pet. Subconsciously relaying the message to the partner that the pet is more important than them. Pets are frequently easier to bond with for the IWAA than people, this is also a safety net for the IWAA because it’s a safe attachment. Other examples can be — talking about exes, potential partners, visibly flirting with other people, making comments of comparison.
Triangulation — involving other members of the family. Relating messages to through other members of the family and/or placing the blame on others. Example — when a partner holds a parent in such high esteem that the partner refuses to give up living with a parent, or mentions how the parent is perpetually dissatisfied with the other partner. Extreme care for children can be another example, building a close bond with a child and disregarding the partner. This one is very interesting because attachment styles are mainly determined from relationship with caregivers, in the case of avoidance, the child learned the message that people are not trustworthy or caring, and “I must defend myself”. Sometimes,there is a good cop/bad cop dynamic in the family, the child then sides with only one caregiver and rejects others. This creates a relationship in which one person is placed on a pedestal, while the other member/s are shut out. That person on the pedestal sometimes carries on into other relationships that the individual forms.
Narcissistic defense
Narcissistic defense is a strategy deployed by the more dismissive avoidant types, the scripts mentioned above are more frequently deployed by the fearful avoidant types and people with low self-esteem in addition.
Narcissistic defense — ”I have high standards”.
IWAA with this script carry a strong belief system that most relationships are terrible and life is better lead alone than with people that do not match their standards. Most IWAA believe this strongly, however, with the narcissistic defense, IWAA sets such high standards for a potential partner that most people on earth cannot match this. In this mode, the IWAA compares potential partners with a fictional persona that they have imagined, or a phantom X whom they barely knew, the real person on the judgment seat always comes short, the narcissist defense type quickly moves on citing things along the lines “society has ruined people” “I can do/deserve better”. In this form of defense the person rigidly adheres to their standards and feels relieved when people do not match them. These individuals substitute real relationships with fictitious characters in their mind.
These are some scripts that the IWAA can live by, or carry out in their relationships. There are many others, such as falling in love with people that are not available — people that they know, or even people they haven’t met such as celebrities, having phantom Xs — people from the past that they still think about today, becoming physically sick, and displaying psychosomatic symptoms. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in one of these scripts, this does not necessarily mean that you or they are avoidant, you may be deploying one of the strategies as this is your script. Awareness is required for change, stay curious about your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and perhaps you may notice patterns. In the next post I will discuss how to stay aware and what are some tools you can arm yourself with in order to work towards earning a secure attachment.
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